My reversion story

Audzu billahi mina syaitoniir rajiim

Bismillah HiRahmanirRahiim

Assalatu was salam ala sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alih wa shohbihi wa salam

Amma ba’da….

I was 21, and went through a tough time as a teen. I had so many questions about this disillusioned life, since the age of fifteen. I remember, thinking about life and it’s meaning. Why I was alive and why did I have to die. Having seen afew people I loved passed away. My vision of life was bleak. I did not understand why my heart was beating, only to be tired, to sustain me physically, but for what purpose in life. It couldn’t be only to live and die.

My religious upbringing was as a Catholic. I went through all the rituals and was taught everything about being one. I went to catholic schools and never knew anything else as a religion. I was never exposed except by having friends from different faiths and backgrounds. I never for once ever deliberated a change of religion. As tumultuous teen years passed into adulthood, confusion about the “meaning of life” took on an important aspect of my life. I had an exciting life with travels, wealth and some fame, living on a small island and going through being a flight attendant with Singapore Airlines, winning pageant titles and finally the crux and highlight was to represent my country in the Miss Singapore/Universe pageant. I vied for everything and tried everything to find this meaning of life. I liked music,parties,friends and having fun. I tried to lose myself in the moments of temporary happiness. Still, I felt empty. At the age of 21, I went through a depression, after a difficult breakup and disturbing relationship issue which at the time made no sense, the hurt,pain and confusion bordered on depression, as I had given up my career for someone who disappeared without a trace. That is a long story of the past, a sequel of many unsuccessful relationships: suffice to say, I was very disillusioned by people,life and God. I kept waking up feeling the terrible dullness in my heart. I had trouble sleeping and cried easily. I had noone to discuss my troubles with and by this time, church was not an option. I grew up in the Catholic faith, but my heart never accepted the Trinity concept nor did I think God was fair to crucify one for many. And that if He did that to one, He would not have mercy on me, when I sinned. So, this illusionary life concept was a theory I could not hold on to as a life pillar or guidance. In my state of deep sadness, I stood at the balcony of my home in Singapore. Looking up at the night sky, clear with a full moon and brilliant shiny stars, I asked the Maker of these creations, “ God, You can make these stars sparkle and moon hang in the sky, without falling; certainly You can take this unbearable heartache away from me.” I felt so lost and quite hopeless. Everything seemed a stumble.

Not long later, I started to have vivid dreams. The first dream I had was very frightening. I was laying in a dark space; below me I felt the damp ground, above me and on the sides about 20cm space from my body as well. I felt a thin,white sheet covering me, my eyes were opened as I was veiled over my face and I saw a blur of white in darkness, total alone and darkness. I felt terrified, and I could only call out to God to help me. The next dream was one where a member of my family was sick; my mother a charismatic woman, came by and prayed on this person, my father and others. But, nothing happened, then I came and put my hand over the head of this sick person, I said some prayers over this person, words that were unfamiliar, and he became well. The last dream, was one where I saw a skinless, dark,small and ugly creature with sharp teeth, the form was humanlike but it was not. We were in a space and it was trying to scare me, I uttered the words “AllahuAkhbar” (I had never learnt nor uttered theses words before in real life), it was shocked that I knew these words, and repeated it after me in a jestful manner. I felt anger that it was ridiculing me and I repeated these words again,louder, harder and with belief, although I didn’t understand what it meant. “AllahuAkhbar,AllahuAkhbar,AllahuAkhbar!” He cringed and became smaller and smaller and disappeared. I woke feeling light.

These dreams prodded me in an unseen manner. I was being led towards my soul searching, which prior to this had me reading books on astrology, palmistry,parts of the mystical Hinduism, Buddhism; had not satiated the questions about the “meaning of life”. Earlier that year, I had been given some books by a friend, Al Qur’an in English by transliterated by Marmaduke Pickthall(Muhammad, a western Islamic scholar) , The 99 Names of Allah and a book on shareah of Islam. They sat in my drawer never opened. One night, as I sat lone in my dimly lit room, I decided to read one of these books. As I picked it up, I realised, I had never read my Bible fully. How could I seriously read the Book from another religion without doing justice to the religion I had grown up with. So, I started to read the Bible. The more I read, the more I was confused and felt uneasy. The first commandment of Moses is “Thou shalt not worship any other god but me.” And in the latter part of the Bible, I was told that God has a son. I always felt that my connection with the Creator was a personal one, a direct one and questioned many times the trinity theory that finally, I stopped attending church. So, at this point where I was on the verge of reading another book, I was most definite, that this chapter in my life from the Bible, was of no use to my life, finding the meaning of it. After,reading thoroughly through the Bible; I turned to open one of the first three books, titled  the 99 Names of Allah. I casually flipped through to see these 99 Names, as I did I felt, more confused than I was before. Here I was refuting the trinity concept and faced with a god with 99 Names, I was baffled about religion. In one night, Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala can open the doors of Heaven for wisdom to come through, for guidance to descend. I nearly put all these books away, when the preface of the 99 Names of Allah opened in my hands, as my fingers seemed guided somewhat, and I started reading the story of a teacher in a small madrasah (school for Islamic studies) , a poor man with many students. And he was visited by the imams and muftis from a renowned school, with lesser students, they had come to inquire what made people more attracted to the smaller and poorer school. In his answer, the solitary teacher (sheikh) posed his lessons, the remembrance of God, the recitation of one sentence, the power over everything. And as  he sat demonstrating the lessons, as he spoke the words the first time, he disappeared and reappeared , secondly, the imams and muftis disappeared and reappeared and finally all the students disappeared and then reappeared when he spoke it . They were humbled and apologetic for their pride.

 These words, are “Laa ilaa ha ilAllah” “there is no other god except ALLAH”

As I read this story, I knew that I found what I was looking for. The verification, in direct words, that god is ONE. So, I said these words out loud in my dimly lit room in Singapore, by myself. And as I did, I “saw” a large,glowing golden key come into my heart and lock with the sound of crunching, and I felt light! I felt excited, I felt illuminated, I felt my heart was shaking.

With this newness in me, I decided then to open the Book, Al Qur’an, and as I did, from the beginning chapter to the end and through out, each and every question that I ever had about the meaning of life, my life, our lives, mankind’s existence….. was answered. Nothing was left to wonder about anymore.

From here, my journey of *reversion began as a muslimah.

Definiton of reversion as opposed to conversion;

 

Conversion definition :

1.

the act or process of converting; state of being converted.

2.

change in character, form, or function.

3.

spiritual change from sinfulness to righteousness.

4.

change from one religion, political belief, viewpoint, etc., to another.

5.

a change of attitude, emotion, or viewpoint from one of indifference, disbelief, or antagonism to one of acceptance, faith, or enthusiastic support, especially such a change in a person's religion.

*reversion definition:

1. *A return to a former condition, belief, or interest.

2. A turning away or in the opposite direction; a reversal.

3. Genetics A return to the normal phenotype, usually by a second mutation.

4. Law

a. The return of an estate to the grantor or to the grantor's heirs or successor after the grant has expired.

b. The estate thus returned.

c. The right to succeed to an estate.

 

ISLAM is the right of every human. Everyone is born muslim, until they are taught otherwise by their parents and carers to be somethingelse. This purity, fitrah  is our right.

Book 33, Number 6428:

Abu Huraira reported from Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upom him) many ahadith and one amongst them is that he is reported to have said: An infant is born according to his (true) nature. It is his parents Who make him a Jew, a Christian, just as a she-camel gives birth to its young ones. Do you find any deficiency in their limbs? You cut their ears (i. e. after birth). They (the Companions of the Holy Prophet) said: What is your opinion about him who dies in infancy? Thereupon Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) said: It is Allah alone Who knows best what they would be doing.

Book 33, Number 6427:

It is reported on the authority of Abu Mu’awiya that (the Holy Prophet) said: Every new-born babe is born on the millat (of Islam and he) remains on this until his tongue is enabled to express himself.

Book 33, Number 6429:

Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The mother of every person gives him birth according to his true nature. It is subsequently his parents who make him a Jew or a Christian or a Magian. Had his parents been Muslim he would have also remained a Muslim. Every person to whom his mother gives birth (has two aspects of his life) ; when his mother gives birth Satan strikes him but it was not the case with Mary and her son (Jesus Christ).

My journey learning about Islam; the shareah and practices, reading the hadiths, learning to read Al Qur’an up till learning tharekat and now trying to live and abide the best as a muslimah, all began in a small, dimly lit room, on a small island, continued in Australia where access to books were limited yet Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala provided for me, books, teachers and all that i needed to learn and practice the deen in an uncontaminated environment; in an islamic community, where for the first three years, I found challenges and alone, learning all I could. My first masjid that I made solat in , was masjidil Haraam and the second was masjid Nabawiy, 5 years after reverting when I did umrah. Where I was in Australia, we had only two musholla; small suraus for the community.

I have been very blessed to have such hikmah. I eventually realised, after learning more about Islam, that my dream showed me the grave and how we are when we enter that small area. That I was buried as muslims were, although at the time of dreaming, I had no idea. Later in years, I had another spiritual experience, where in zikir, I had an out of body experience, I would have died because of a medical condition, but in my OBE, in zikir of ALLAH HU ALLAH, I was delivered towards light and beings of light surrounded me. This was a very real experience one which reminds me of the difference between muslims and non-muslims.

I developed a love of Rasulallah (salallahu alaih wa alih wa sallam)and ahlul bayt, from reading the hadiths, books which I ordered full volumes from America. This took place 25 years ago. There are many stories to tell about this beautiful Islamic experience, through struggles and difficulties, Allah subhana wa ta’ala remains the ONE, The TRUTH , The Eternal…all the asma ul husna, 99 Names or attributes. The first book that bestowed on me this guidance. Alhamdullilah Ya Rabb Ya Kareem.

The key is Laa ilaa hailaAllah and the gateway is MuhammadaRasulallah.

May this story be informative and useful. May Allah bestow help, guidance, love ,light and peace to all and salutations upon our holy prophet Muhammad, salallahu alaih wa alih wa ssalam, to his family and companions.