Committing to goodness

 

I am determined that in the month of Ramadan, to subdue my emotions, silence my breath to whispers, to speak when needed and to only say it once. I want to rebuild my inner peace and allow it remain intact. I have made a commitment to myself, to treat myself well. I have begun my intention to read the entire Al Qur’an Nur Kareem, during this holy month. This takes considerable focus from a novice, who reads only parts each day. The last time I did a “khatam” in a month was 7 years ago, and in my lifetime have only done it 2 times before that. I would like to reach this target.

Recently, I have been feeling so drained, emotionally haphazardly wrought and drawn, from tolerating a most probable mismatch of partners. How relationships which start wrong and continue to go wrong finally takes it’s toll on a person, so as it is, I am happier for the release from tension. We all have choices and we all must make it and stand by it. Nothing that bears down and beats you up is good for you.

I resign myself, I am on vacation from life, I am exotically in mixed dimensions, I am consciously aware that I am in definite control of only myself, and I have felt the benefits of such a major decision, instantly.

No one else is anyone’s responsibility, when they reach adulthood. And as adults must know, it is better to choose to be nice. Children grasp this concept so well, choose better language, choose better behaviour, these are key words, which initiate a self response. Poor adults who have no ability to self improve, that must have been some conditioning as a child!

I have overcome most challenges, but there is still one left which I need to prove to myself, and this is a fear based challenge. I am preparing myself each day, each moment, and I will break down those walls inward destruction of that fear, which I never knew was there. I suspect that it was subconsciously induced through creating a guilt response and then psychoanalysing it to be a need which created a manipulation tactic, in order to acquire control. Well, having said that , now the solution. It comes from me and when it is over, I think I shall be very proud of myself.

I cannot blame anyone but myself, for taking the risk to see how much rope it would take to hang oneself.In this case, there’s lots left. In my personal observation, I don’t think it’ll run out for the identity I am insinuating.

Risk takers, problems solvers, bounce back from bad spots and become whole again, wiser and braver for the greener pastures ahead.

 

Lorraine Nur